Chicago Fat Chick

No more Sausage

2006-07-17T23:33:00.001-05:00

Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Scott said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can't do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

Madonna & Gorillaz

2006-07-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

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The Healing Process

2006-07-12T12:26:00.000-05:00

When the hell is it going to start? So far I have deleted all of his pictures from my home computer. They're not totally gone, I have them stored online. I have also got rid of all his stuff he had at my place and I have deleted all his numbers from my phone. What I really want to do most of all is to stop thinking about him, to get him out his mind.

I have always been a cynical and mistrusting person. I keep asking myself why does it hurt some much, why is it so hard to get over this a-hole!! Why was he different from the rest? Well, first of all here was this beautiful man who was so way out of my league it wasn't even funny, and he wanted to spend time with me. And for the life of me I never knew why. Plus, he was nice to me which was a first. I think the difference was that yes, he fed me a lot of the same lines as the others, but unlike the others I WANTED to believe him. I thought we were really close friends and to be dropped so quickly and easily after a year and a half really hurt. What I really miss the most is the companionship, I use to love when I would come home from work and he was already there waiting for me. It really sucks coming home to an empty apartment.

2006-07-12T10:47:00.000-05:00

Jamie Kennedy's Rollin with Saget Music Video - Unedited!

New Hobby...

2006-07-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

See my Tabblo>

Asshole!!

2006-07-10T14:40:00.000-05:00

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NEW COMPANY POLICY EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:

2006-07-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

Company Policy: Effective from as of August 29, 2006

Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE YOU ARE FIRED!!!!

The Lion sleeps Tonight

2006-07-07T16:50:00.000-05:00

the lion sleeps tonight (animation)

This is pretty Cute!!

One Month down...

2006-07-07T14:24:00.000-05:00

I always thought that the best way to get over a guy is with another guy. It's what has worked for me in the past: I don't think that is going to work for me this time. So far I have two offers to "get it on" since I stopped seeing the actor. I of course, turned both of them down, I'm not looking to get laid;I want more than that. I'm too old to still be having casual sex.

It's been very difficult to get through just my daily routine because of this situation. Sometimes, like Wednesday, I was having a good day I haven't thought about the actor all day until 2:30 p.m. when sends me a text saying that he was coming back from his vacation that night and that he'll "try" and give me a call Thursday evening. I'm thinking, "what the hell does he want??" Haven't I been through enough emotional turmoil because of him. What, is he not getting his salad tossed, by his new girlfriend,tht he feels the need to call me? I told him I was busy and wouldn't be home. He expects me to be all perky and happy everytime he decides to bless me with a fuvking phone call or visit. I am suppose to pretend that nothing's changed? That I should be happy to hear from him after all that's happened. This weekend I just want to get wasted and forget about the liar.

The Shit List

2006-07-06T15:17:00.000-05:00

Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel the Shit come out but there is no Shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit: The kind where you Shit, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them.

Second Wave Shit: This happens when you're done Shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to Shit some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit: The kind where you strain so hard to get it out you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln-Log Shit: The kind of Shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into smaller pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Shit: It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.

All Nighter Shit: The kind of Shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks in the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit: The kind where you want to Shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit: That's when it hurts so bad coming out that you'd swear it was sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit: The kind that comes out so fast & hard your ass get splashed with water.

Boomerang Shit: The kind that you flush down the toilet but then one or two Shits come back.

Soupie Shit: The kind when yellowish-brown liquid shoots out & splashes all over the bowl.

Upper Class Shit: The kind of Shit that doesn't smell.

The Surprise Shit: The kind when you're sure you're about to fart, but Surprise -- a Shit!

The Dangling Shit: The Shit that refuses to drop into the toilet even though you're done Shit-ing it. You just pray that a small shake or bounce will cut it loose.

Distractions...

2006-07-05T14:02:00.000-05:00

This past holiday weekend was pretty rough, I had a four day weekend and for the most part I spent it trying not to think about the actor. I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo, it was my first time going since I moved here five years ago. It was pretty nice and there were a lot of people there. Other than that I walked around a bit, played with my dog (who is NOT gay). But mostly I just cried and tried not to kill myself!!! Fu*&%# actor!!!

More Pics from Lincoln Park Zoo

See my Tabblo>

Mistake?

2006-06-29T09:55:00.000-05:00

This has been one of the worst months of my life. It's so hard adjusting to the change from being with someone all the time to being by yourself and always feeling alone. Knowing that you weren't good enough and that he was never really my friend but instead was only using me.
How could I be so wrong about someone?Every day that passes I come to realize I really didn't know him at all. I knew he was an actor, but I didn't think he was actually pulling an act on me. Sometimes I feel so stupid for ever believing him, it feels like I'm being punished for doing something wrong. I'm not the one who was caught lying red handed. Ever since then things started going down the crapper. It's like he wants everyone to think that he's this good, honest person and as soon as you find out he's like all the rest, he dumps you because now that you know what kind of person he really is, he can't look you and the eyeand he disappears. It's like, since i'm no longer useful to him, so he acts like I never existed. How do you move on from something like that? Would I have been better never knowing him?

BBW wanted for NSA...

2006-06-28T11:33:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I was out with a girlfriend having lunch and I was telling her how I had told a male friend about me not "hanging out" with my ex-best friend anymore. We got to talking a little bit and he asked me if I wanted to have some "fun" with him? Are big girls only good enough to have "fun" with? My girlfriend said no one has ever asked her that but she gets asked out on dates all the time. I have been asked to more orgies, threesomes and affairs than I care to count. Not once has anyone ever asked me out to dinner much less a cup of coffee. Why is that???

Craigslist.org is a good example there are countless of ads, such as BBW wanted for NSA or Cute guy seeks BBW for NSA. I don't understand the reasoning behind it, why are we only good enough for NSA(no strings attached) sex and not a real relationship. Granted if you're looking for a relationship Craiglist is the last place you should look. The website is a total sausage fest.

Is coffee really too much to ask for?

When can we do more than "Hang out"?

2006-06-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

What makes a perosn good enough to date? I hung out with a "friend" for about a year and a half. We were together almost everyday, we went out to dinner, the movies, slept together; We did everything a couple that were dating would do, but we were only "hanging out". He was my best friend, my confedant, my lover and my support. I felt like I could talk to him about anything and everything, which is something I have never done with anyone man before. I have always had a problem with trusting anyone and now I feel stupid for ever believing that I could trust him. What are you suppose to do when someone worthy of dating comes along and you're dumped like a hot coal?

Dreams of Another Life

2006-06-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

"Dreams of Another Life"

Does Packaging really Matter?

2006-06-19T10:39:00.000-05:00

Does Packaging really Matter?

There are a lot of people who say, the reason you don’t have a boyfriend is because you’re fat. Could this be true? Could it be that everyone is that shallow? Is there really no one out there willing to get to know the person on the inside? Are we to be seen as easy targets by men who think we’ll be grateful for the attention? Does the outside of a person matter more than the inside?

A few years ago, I was engaged to be married. We had been together for a long time, but he spent most of the time trying to make me change. I was willing to accept and love him just the way he was but he wasn’t willing to do the same for me. Needless to say, it didn’t work out and I had to leave.

Do honest men exist?

2006-05-09T14:45:00.000-05:00

Is there such a thing as a man that doesn’t lie? I have yet to find one that is honest. I’m usually a very cynical and sarcastic person when it comes to relationships; it’s been a very long time since I’ve actually trusted someone. Over a year ago I met someone, we spent a lot of time together, we had fun and he was someone I finally let myself care for and he was the first man I have ever trusted. But all that came to a screeching halt last month and I haven’t been the same since. I finally let myself believe that there was someone good and honest out there and that I was lucky enough to have found him.

That whole situation has made me more mistrustful than I was before; I’m still in shock and disbelief over it. I keep thinking that if I can’t trust and believe someone like him, I can’t believe anyone. Is there no hope of finding an honest man?

Are Fat Chicks Easy

2006-05-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

I think that all depends on how you look at it? Are fat chicks easy or is it easy for fat chicks to get some action? There are a lot of guys out there that hit on fat chicks because they think its easy sex. They're all nice and charming till they get what they want and then they pull a Houdini. They're never heard from again. Do they think that we’re fat we have no feelings?

Sadly, my experience with men has made me cynical towards relationships. All my experiences have been horrific in one way or another. They have all lied, cheated and treated me like a doormat; which has made me mistrustful of any man I meet.

Fed up with being treated like crap, I told myself I don’t have to put up with this b.s. I’ve always been good and loyal and honest with the men I’ve been with. Is it so hard to ask for the same in return?

Broken Love by William Blake

2006-04-26T23:22:00.000-05:00

My Spectre around me night and day
Like a wild beast guards my way;
My Emanation far within
Weeps incessantly for my sin.

‘A fathomless and boundless deep,
There we wander, there we weep;
On the hungry craving wind
My Spectre follows thee behind.

‘He scents thy footsteps in the snow
Wheresoever thou dost go,
Thro’ the wintry hail and rain.
When wilt thou return again?

’Dost thou not in pride and scorn
Fill with tempests all my morn,
And with jealousies and fears
Fill my pleasant nights with tears?

‘Seven of my sweet loves thy knife
Has bereavèd of their life.
Their marble tombs I built with tears,
And with cold and shuddering fears.

‘Seven more loves weep night and day
Round the tombs where my loves lay,
And seven more loves attend each night
Around my couch with torches bright.

‘And seven more loves in my bed
Crown with wine my mournful head,
Pitying and forgiving all
Thy transgressions great and small.

‘When wilt thou return and view
My loves, and them to life renew?
When wilt thou return and live?
When wilt thou pity as I forgive?’

‘O’er my sins thou sit and moan:
Hast thou no sins of thy own?
O’er my sins thou sit and weep,
And lull thy own sins fast asleep.

‘What transgressions I commit
Are for thy transgressions fit.
They thy harlots, thou their slave;
And my bed becomes their grave.

‘Never, never, I return:
Still for victory I burn.
Living, thee alone I’ll have;
And when dead I’ll be thy grave.

‘Thro’ the Heaven and Earth and Hell
Thou shalt never, quell:
I will fly and thou pursue:
Night and morn the flight renew.’

‘Poor, pale, pitiable form
That I follow in a storm;
Iron tears and groans of lead
Bind around my aching head.

‘Till I turn from Female love
And root up the Infernal Grove,
I shall never worthy be
To step into Eternity.

‘And, to end thy cruel mocks,
Annihilate thee on the rocks,
And another form create
To be subservient to my fate.
‘Let us agree to give up love,
And root up the Infernal Grove;
Then shall we return and see
The worlds of happy Eternity.

‘And throughout all Eternity
I forgive you, you forgive me.
As our dear Redeemer said:
“This the Wine, and this the Bread.”’